Yesterday morning was tough mentally. I really wrestled with a lot of emotions and thoughts surrounding my baby making journey. Maybe it was the time without distraction, maybe the headache, maybe the hormones- or just all of it. I went back and forth as if on a teeter-totter, is this worth it? what if it doesn't work? I am tired and stressed now - how can I handle a child? Then add in my self talk- "Rachel you are stronger than this, don't be silly." Not very helpful- why do I self talk in unhelpful ways.
I arrived at "everyone has something they are dealing with." My thoughts of "I could be a mom soon" with a side of "it is going to cost you extra time and money to get there" are a very normal, very common struggle with fertility treatments. It is not a fun place to be. Fortunately, a few very helpful text messages came through and my acupuncture appointment provided a much needed reset plus relief from the headache.
I am pretty confident that if I was working yesterday and someone asked how it was going I would have just cried. I have been feeling worn down and this time off of work has been a blessing. The time off has also given me the opportunity sit in the dark space of my fears and stressors. I think I was largely ignoring them over the last year. There has been so much to do that I easily rolled up my sleeves and got to work. Now I am slowing down to reflect on if I am actually living my life consistently with what I say I want. Are my priorities and goals actually getting the most time and attention from me?
I am glad I have decaf coffee and tea- today will be a lot of sipping hot beverages and reflecting on these things. Out of the dark space that was yesterday morning, I can see and think more clearly.