Normally I would be at work. Today is the first day of medical leave. My to-do list is long and the freedom to do what I want when I want is exciting. However, this time off is to focus on resting my body. Slowing down. Doing less.
I laughed at myself as I paced the house during the last 2 hours. I want to deep clean this or that and organize my closet, pay the bills. But I am home to rest. Do I stop moving and go back to bed? Am I actually supposed to sit down and read even though it's only 10 AM? The pacing happened as the mental warfare of "should" versus "restore" took place.
Throughout our fertility journey I have spent a lot of time thinking about my body and pregnancy. There has been a lot of waiting. During the waiting periods I have either distracted with work and projects or withdrawn. It's difficult to talk about sometimes. The balance of excitement for a pregnancy - especially after a transfer- versus the fears of "am I doing it right?" and "what if?" I believe this is part of the human experience. Any time we are working toward something that does not arrive as instant gratification, there is a pendulum swinging between excitement and fear.
Sitting in the stillness is difficult and very valuable. Life is full of unknowns. We are called to move through it as gracefully as possible. Which often means stopping and being present with the situation or struggle. In these still moments we are blessed when the answer or direction becomes clear. It seems the difference between pushing to accomplish my to-do list and taking care of myself as I do what seems easy and natural is the key to relaxing.